Not Being Myself

Running away from problem didn’t help; hiding from it has no help either. The only way to settle the problem is to face it and find a solution in next to no time. Maybe all these while, I’m just too chicken to make the decision and have been running away from it but alas I have to face it. I face it with all my guts that remain and even voice out my decision bravely to both of my blood relation. I have been thinking for long and never wanted to hurt anyone; so there’s goes my decision. Honestly I do feel relief because my nightmare has finally ended.

That’s what I thought, but the world is not always in a circle and frankly speaking life’s not always that fair. Naïve me still think that when I speak out my decision; my nightmare will eventually come to the end and be relieved evermore. Nevertheless I’m bloody wrong and freaking dumb to still think that when we play by the rules, the rules will play nice on us. No, the world is cruel and life has no fair play. The thing is I have already made my decision but they gave me a different direction to follow. That breaks my heart, seriously of all the sudden my world become so grey; so grey that I can’t see what in front of me anymore.

They gave up on me…

I feel suffocated, barely breathe and everything is so colorless.

These few days really were hell to me and I don’t feel myself anymore. Not being myself at all. Maybe I’m trying to get you guys’ attention or maybe I’m being paranoid and being afraid that my close one and my love one will leave me. I really don’t want that at all. I don’t want anyone to separate or anyone to move out of my life.

I fight with my teammate during a basketball match, which I normally don’t. I was so frustrated that I even scold the heck out of my teammate. They were shocked. I become so furious that I played like a monster. I apologized for every mistake I made; they were even shocked to see an ego guy to apologize.

I even provoke my mum to scold or at least to nag me. I purposely do something that she will scold me. And yes she did shouted at me and has a long lecture with me. I feel much more alive after her scolding. Weird, huh? But that make me more alive.

I even asked everyone to leave me alone. I was harsh to everyone around me. I know I’m wrong but me really not being myself for the last few days. I even let go of my entire ego so that I can stop them from leaving me; peoples that I loved. I even begged; luckily I was able to ask for their forgiveness. Although not all, but at least I was able to save some.

Think back of what I did for the last few days, it’s sickening and it’s my utmost regret.

I don’t really know how I get through this few days. I’m watching a lot of comedy just to cheer up my days. As saying ‘laughter is the best medicine’ but it only applied for that particular moments. Frankly speaking, I barely concentrate and laugh. It was so gloomy.

Thanks my aunt for her meaningful adult point of view lecture. It enlightens me a lot.

Thanks for all the caring calls, caring texting and caring Skype message. You peoples are my only force of energy to move on. Hot fresh milk will help me sleep huh? Thanks. Let it be natural huh? Thanks.

Sorry girls for turning down your invitations. I really need time to be alone. We go next time, okay?

Guys; don’t worry about me anymore. I’ll recover and I’ll once again set back my feet to the right track. I promised you guys that I’ll run faster than ever and never looks back anymore.


P/S: don’t worry, I’m strong and invincible; remember?

The Pain

Blade that cut, hammer that crush, knuckle that bruise and many more are the pain and that’s what makes us to be afraid or at least being cautious of what hurt us the most. For many people, pain is just another learning journey to become stronger. I’m pretty sure all of us need to go through this process of pain to grow up. During our infant age, we get caning every time we make a mistake. That’s the pain that teaches us to not to repeat the mistake again. But slowly when we getting older, we tend to forget about this pain until we repeat this mistake; and the whole pain thing come back to haunt us again. These pains remind us that when we come in contact with the first pain, we shouldn’t go back for another second or third pain.

Because of pain, we become so called ‘wiser’ and ‘smarter’; that’s because we don’t want to go back to this painful experience anymore. That’s what the humankind normally do, they tend to avoid this pain and never go back to this pain again no matter what it cost.

A sharp cut, a hammer crush, or just a knuckle punch is instantaneous pain. Pain that kills you only at that moment or maybe the few next day. Frankly speaking this types of pain kill u instantly, however it is much more relief as the saying ‘short pain is better than lengthy pain’.

Pain guides me and teaches me a lot of thing. It teaches me how to make a correct decision, and it teaches me how to think wisely. This few days I have been thinking and thinking about the right decision to make; whether I want myself to live an ordinary steady life or a rocky out of the blue life. I have been thinking for quite a long time, and somehow I really can’t decide now.

Pain haunting me every now and then; it’s so painful to decide. My day is so gloomy, and it’s sickening to be in this position. I’m afraid that I make the wrong decision and hurt everyone else.

I really don’t know how to decide.

Both raise me up; both are my ‘flesh and bone’.

I’m too afraid of making the wrong decision, and letting the pain haunt me again and again.

Holiday Break

Something might change in this few days or maybe this few weeks, but one thing for sure; I won't change. That! I can assure you.

Still having my honeymoon holidays, will update soon, sorry!

A Stay in UUM

*fire extinguisher : belows are just my personal thoughts and I sincerely apologize if there's any wrong in words and informations.

Due to MASUM (Majlis Sukan Universiti Malaysia/ Malaysia University Sport Council); an inter university sports event, I had the opportunity to stay a week in UUM; the first university I ever stayed other than my own university. Well back there in my own university, I had been listening to complains about my university that the facilities there are so bad if compare to cave; the cave is like some five stars hotel. It happens so frequent, that it has become a routine for my university students to complain every now and then. It’s always been the facilities problems specifically the Internet services.

To me, my university students should be glad of the services and facilities provided in my university. Yes it’s not the best thing one university can provide. It’s always moderate in every service provided and some even say near the edge of bad status at all the time; that’s because we still being unconscious of how lucky we are. Try come to other university for instance like *cough* UUM *cough*. Then you’ll be thankful of the entire thing we had.

Let’s talk about the room, two beds in one room just like my university, nothing different huh? Dont't say that early. I cannot blame this university because it’s an old university, therefore the facilities and tools here should be quite aged and spider webbed. And due to its historical value, there are constantly new students coming in and out; and some with too much creativity. That’s why there is lots of graffiti on the wall, on the table, in the closet and even on the bed. Yes freaking graffiti on the bed (which ended up looking like some murder scene on the bed, it almost freak us out as one of the bed here is stained with red paint as in blood). I cannot say that my university provides the best, but at least we do have a clean bed, a wider table, and a brighter environment. Oh! Did I tell you that UUM hostel is gloomy all the time? Yes it is.


Maybe for those who are fond of campus life, UUM is the most preferable selection; the university here is too big, till I’m afraid of walking out at night. Getting lost is just as simple as 123 in UUM as it looks like a puzzle to me. Yes, you can meet a lot of friends here because you simply got to walk around this university if you ever want to get to your class, library, mart or toilet. I’m no kidding; you have to walk a long distance just to get to the toilet. And it’s a public toilet; meaning people share the toilet with you. I'm already tired of hearing complaints like, five person sharing two bathrooms is already a big issue in my university. What if I say, in UUM, there are more than twenty peoples sharing three bathrooms?

The most common problem in my university is the Internet service. Too slow, too many banned website and software, limited Internet usage and bla bla bla. My dear university students, if you want to online here, there are only two ways; one is you being lucky to get a room near the wireless router (which are two or three room of the entire block) and two is you walking a long distance to the student hall. Yes undeniably, their Internet is fast, no banned website and software, and not even limited Internet usage. But what’s the point of that, if there are only lucky few who get to online while others sitting there watching this few lucky bastard surfing the Internet?

Peoples tend not to be grateful for what they had and unaware of how lucky they are, not till they experience the reality. If you are lucky enough to realize it sooner, you will still be able to cherish it once again; but for most of the cases, it’s always too late to do that.

Eventually you will lose him because you never cherish him.

Trustworthy Faith

First and foremost, I would like to apologize; sorry for keeping you guys hang around. I’m busy with my daily basketball training lately. Yes! In this super hot weather, yes! In this freaking holidays and yes! I’m doing this on my free will. Surprise huh? That was all the fuss and that’s the reason why I couldn’t update my blog lately; doesn't it sound like a good excuses to you?

Well that’s what happened, and I really don’t care whether you believe it or not. The thing is that’s exactly what happened for the past few weeks. I mean it’s totally up to you guys to trust me or not because you’re the one who is making your mind up. By chance, it’s circuitously related to the title of my blog today, Trustworthy Faith.

Faith is somewhat defined as confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing. Faith often relates with trust, believe, hope and expectation. Faith may vary from a person to another; the definition of faith is somehow too wide and vague. Nonetheless to me, faith is when you totally accept as true in the person and most significantly on no account you’ll doubt about that person.

Frankly speaking, I’m kind of a defensive person. No matter what you told me, I only believe it half and judge the other half myself. With this kind of attitude, you never go wrong. If the news is true, you already trust half of it (nothing to lose); furthermore if the news is true, I’m pretty sure there’ll be some sort of sign that shows it’s obviously true. And by that, somehow you’ll make a wise judgment and eventually a shrewd decision.

Now what happen if it’s false news? Well, if it’s false news, you should be thankful because you only trust half of it. Rather than completely being hurt or deceived by the hoax/fault which one planned/unintentional for long/short, you are actually blessed because you only throw half of your faith in it; as I said you’ll never go wrong with this kind of principle.

The theory of this principle is simple, but practicing it is like breaking a diamond with a stone. Lately I virtually overlook about this theory, I had been trusting people with all my heart. Frankly speaking, I’m furious at their mistake, but in the end I still forgive and forget because I trust them; they didn’t do it deliberately. They just being new to the ever-changing environment and failed to settle in, that’s why I still willing to put my faith on them. Recently, I myself become conscious that trusting a person can be so instantaneous and insane; call me stupid or call me naïve, but the thing is I choose to believe no matter how wrong things can go.

By believing, I actually sacrifice a lot; more than you guys can imagine and I never regret believing until I heard of “were you lying?” or “I cannot trust you”.

Frankly speaking, that was heart breaking. I mean I don’t expect you to forgo as much as I do; because you guys really had no idea what I had to give up just putting my faith on you. Maybe you guys do sacrifice as much as I do, but what’s the point of your sacrification if you can’t even put your faith in me.

Darn it! So much for my instantaneous and insane faith, trusting you is never been instantaneous but I realize trusting you are just insane.

Yet, I never stop trusting. Am I doing the right thing? No one knows.

Live Blogging: Last Paper

***UPDATED***

I’m doing a live blogging, yes right now.

Okay here’s the scenario, I’ll be having my last paper EBT 203 soon (5th May 2009, TIME 1430) but there a a full-size slight setback; I neither study nor touch the textbook before. Heh. Darn it! It’s just so not enough time for me to study (of course not to mention the time I wasted on computer games, can't really blame the computer games though, blame me!).

It’s just so insufficient time that I even try to create a chaos or two so that the exam can be postpone; but ended up no good as the only way to stop it is by burning either the examination hall or the exam paper, yet both way will only put me into the jail or at least kicked out from my university. My second attempt was so desperate I even tried to influence some/all of my coursemates to sabotage the exam “Aiya, let’s go dinner. Eat more important leh, study comes second. Come come!*pushing their textbook away*” but guess what; they secretly bring their notes to dinner.

I guess if I really utilize my sabotage passion and spirit in my study, getting a PhD is just a matter of time for me.

In the end, I had no other choice but to start studying now. Yes starting from base one; lecture one. And I’ll be doing a live blog on how I study last minutely because some of you guys really don’t know what we students gone through. It’s hell.

TIME 0000
A good starts as one of my friend send me some ‘tips’ for the paper. Good work.

TIME 0015
Darn it! The ‘tips’ covers almost the whole EBT 203 syllabus. ‘Good work my friend’.

TIME 0200
Stopped a while to have a burger. Hungry!

TIME 0230
I had my first dosage of coffee. The only thing that makes me staying awake.

TIME 0300
Another friends of mine send me some ‘hints’, same like the ‘tips’ though but not bad.

TIME 0400
Beh tahan liao. Need a nap, set alarm to 6 am.

TIME 0600
I guess alarm did rang at this time but I think by twist of fate I missed it too.

TIME 0700
What the F***! Didn’t I say wake up at six?!!

TIME 0800
Second dosage of coffee, my whole room is filled with Tongkat Ali Coffee aroma, yucky smell. But it’s a real awakening potion though. There's once when one of my coursemate came to ask me something, just right after he enter my room "Wah, you sell Tongkat Ali ar?"

TIME 1200
Time to get ready, prepared for the war.

TIME 1300
Lunch at Jian Yee Restaurant. Kena chop by uncle Jian. Kena chop by a larger margin today, a bad sign for starter.

TIME 1400
A coursemate of mine asked whether we need to study the Ternary System (3 dimensional Lever’s Rules). Since the lecturer never stress much on this topic, so I decided to skip reading this 3D Lever’s Rules and revise what more important. Furthermore the ‘tips’ and ‘hints’ that my coursemates gave covers almost everything but not Ternary System, so I guess it’s a good gamble to skip this chapter.

TIME 1430
OUT FOR WAR

TIME 1500
F*** Ternary System came out!! Really suai la!! *Geez* thanks alot my friends; so much for the ‘tips’ and ‘hints’. Good gamble somemore huh? Sure die la this time.


The morale of the story is...

Well I guess you guys (students) know better than i do. Heh.