Not Being Myself

Running away from problem didn’t help; hiding from it has no help either. The only way to settle the problem is to face it and find a solution in next to no time. Maybe all these while, I’m just too chicken to make the decision and have been running away from it but alas I have to face it. I face it with all my guts that remain and even voice out my decision bravely to both of my blood relation. I have been thinking for long and never wanted to hurt anyone; so there’s goes my decision. Honestly I do feel relief because my nightmare has finally ended.

That’s what I thought, but the world is not always in a circle and frankly speaking life’s not always that fair. Naïve me still think that when I speak out my decision; my nightmare will eventually come to the end and be relieved evermore. Nevertheless I’m bloody wrong and freaking dumb to still think that when we play by the rules, the rules will play nice on us. No, the world is cruel and life has no fair play. The thing is I have already made my decision but they gave me a different direction to follow. That breaks my heart, seriously of all the sudden my world become so grey; so grey that I can’t see what in front of me anymore.

They gave up on me…

I feel suffocated, barely breathe and everything is so colorless.

These few days really were hell to me and I don’t feel myself anymore. Not being myself at all. Maybe I’m trying to get you guys’ attention or maybe I’m being paranoid and being afraid that my close one and my love one will leave me. I really don’t want that at all. I don’t want anyone to separate or anyone to move out of my life.

I fight with my teammate during a basketball match, which I normally don’t. I was so frustrated that I even scold the heck out of my teammate. They were shocked. I become so furious that I played like a monster. I apologized for every mistake I made; they were even shocked to see an ego guy to apologize.

I even provoke my mum to scold or at least to nag me. I purposely do something that she will scold me. And yes she did shouted at me and has a long lecture with me. I feel much more alive after her scolding. Weird, huh? But that make me more alive.

I even asked everyone to leave me alone. I was harsh to everyone around me. I know I’m wrong but me really not being myself for the last few days. I even let go of my entire ego so that I can stop them from leaving me; peoples that I loved. I even begged; luckily I was able to ask for their forgiveness. Although not all, but at least I was able to save some.

Think back of what I did for the last few days, it’s sickening and it’s my utmost regret.

I don’t really know how I get through this few days. I’m watching a lot of comedy just to cheer up my days. As saying ‘laughter is the best medicine’ but it only applied for that particular moments. Frankly speaking, I barely concentrate and laugh. It was so gloomy.

Thanks my aunt for her meaningful adult point of view lecture. It enlightens me a lot.

Thanks for all the caring calls, caring texting and caring Skype message. You peoples are my only force of energy to move on. Hot fresh milk will help me sleep huh? Thanks. Let it be natural huh? Thanks.

Sorry girls for turning down your invitations. I really need time to be alone. We go next time, okay?

Guys; don’t worry about me anymore. I’ll recover and I’ll once again set back my feet to the right track. I promised you guys that I’ll run faster than ever and never looks back anymore.


P/S: don’t worry, I’m strong and invincible; remember?